I'm talking about mistakes more specific to adoption. What could they have done better? Even those with awesome parents, were there areas they were lacking?What is the biggest mistake your adoptive parents made in raising you?
They didn't allow me to ask questions about my first family - or about my adoption.
When I did - they got a pained look on their faces - and I knew it was best just to shut up.
They also actually told me that they would be upset if I searched for my family of origin.
Sadly - these actions were all about their insecurities - and not about my best interests.
They were supposed to be the adults - I was the child.
They thought adoption was 'just like having a child of their own'.
It's not.
And it never will be.
I love and care for them greatly - but I have two families - that's my reality - that's part of me - and all adoptive parents should allow their adoptees their truth and knowledge.What is the biggest mistake your adoptive parents made in raising you?
';What is the biggest mistake your adoptive parents made in raising you?';
Raising me at all.
Abuse/neglect/indifference/accusation.
Hating me because *I* didn't bond with *THEM* -- yeah...blame the baby.
Telling me I was special/chosen/wanted/loved.
Telling me with the same mouths that I was 'bad stock'/'bad seed'/that they had 'saved' me/that I was 'lucky' because they ';gave [me] more than [I] deserved';.
';I'm talking about mistakes more specific to adoption. What could they have done better?';
They could have chosen to NOT adopt after they had a bio of their own -- which was AFTER they had ALREADY adopted once.
';Even those with awesome parents, were there areas they were lacking?';
Can't answer this one -- didn't have ';awesome parents'; -- sorry.
I have two friends who's parents never told them they were adopted. One found out at age 15, when looking in the file cabinet for her birth certificate while her mom was at the grocery store, and under her name, found an entire file on her adoption.
The other was age 61, and her AP's had both died, and in going through their paperwork after the Amom died, the woman found paperwork related to her adoption. She felt like her entire life had been a lie, and at that age, and lack of computer internet knowledge, and having no clues to go back on, she never found her first mom. I hope she has now in heaven.
Adoptive parents need to be honest with children all the time, needing to include adoption in their vocabulary so it's not a shock, and as an AP, I hope that by reading answers on questions like this one, that I learn to not make the mistakes that other parents do, and I hope I am the mom that both my sons want me to be, for both my bio and adopted children.
I think the biggest mistake that my parents made was trying to be too kind, when discussing it. I have no doubt that they did it with the best intentions. Comments like I was chosen and special are clearly untrue, also they only told me the good bits about my birth. I honestly believe this was ignorance and naivety other than anything else. But it was 1972 and that was the thinking of the time.
The biggest plus they did was put a scrapbook together so if and when I decide to meet my bio mum I can share some of the things that I did growing up. That was very forward thinking for the time.
Baby boy on the way - no adoptive parents didnt choose me - they adopted to fulfill something in THEIR lives because THEY cant conceive. THEY WANT to be PARENTS. It has little to do with the child. Having a good childhood is a human right not something to be grateful for.
And of course it is luck of the draw - I was adopted at 6 weeks old I had no say in who adopted me, as it happens they are good people - not everyone is as lucky and those that arent have the added issues that they where betrayed more than once. I really think you need to take those rose tinted glasses off and join the rest of the world.
My parents were great, they did the best they could do and were very stable and secure.
The only mistakes they made were trusting in the authorities when they said I was actually available for adoption (It came as a huge shock to discover that my mother had NOT relinquished me, rather she had been told I was deceased).
And believing that I was a blank slate and expecting me to be just like their natural children.
No parents are perfect, but they did an amazing job. I get sick to my stomach when people insult them by assuming my need to search for my origins came from a bad upbringing or 'bad experience' - that couldn't be further from the truth!
they never said ';i'm sorry.';
they always had some excuse.
they never did anything wrong.
all their interest in my feelings were rhetorical questions.
my main purpose for being in their family was to fill some hole.
i was the well from which they both drank.
i was just a kid.
but in a strange way i had to be more mature than them.
because i didn't have the freedom or the power
to think as selfishly as they did
i had to endure and smile
for family harmony
adoption fills the void in parent's lives
it's an inherently selfish act
they expect us to adjust
according to their needs
they don't FULLY CONSIDER
all we have lost
all that they require of us
their justification for everything they did
closed them from ever experiencing my love
as a meaningful RELATIONSHIP
because they were infallible.
just one sorry would have made some difference.
it's hard to respect people who justify everything they do
i guess every adoptive parent has to convince themselves they're doing a good deed. adoption is like the good deed that never ends.
the rationalizing that keeps giving and giving.
until you just can't stand it anymore and leave.
I also don’t know of any. My parents always allowed me to be myself and accepted me for who I was. They never favored my brothers who are natural kids, they told me I was adopted from a young age and I could talk or ask question if I wanted too. I guess that’s why being adopted was not a big issue for me. Though I would occasional think about being adopted it was truly few and far between. My parents were not looking to adopt they were just planning on being foster parents but since the FCS had no where else for me to go I stayed with them. Originally I was only suppose to stay with them for a weekend. My mom said she had me all bundled and ready to go on Monday morning when she got a call “We don’t have anywhere for her to go could you keep her for the time being?” I guess they eventually became attached to me and decided to purse adopting me.
The level of insecurity in my amom was just flat out scary. She held on so tight I'm surprised I could make the decision to go to the bathroom on my own. It bled into everything, the tighter she squeezed, the more I struggled. It's like she couldn't bring herself to turn her back on me for 10 seconds because I might be out the door and running.
They didn't believe that finding my birthfather was necessary for me after I was an adult. My mom said it ';shouldn't matter, or that I must not love them because I want to go find him';
Also, like any regular parents, they tried to get me to break up with my boyfriend, who I have now been with for 5 years, and married to for 2.
Living in a community that was 98% white.
';encouraging'; me to go to Chinese class... and then when could I actually *use* these classroom language skills?
Not in the classroom (we focused on writing). Not at home. Not with any friends. Not with other peers - they couldn't speak it either, only Cantonese. Not with my adoptive parents who hardly knew any Mandarin.
So what was the point?
Told ya they should have moved to a diverse community.
They didn't tell me...
They had a 'miracle' baby who could do no wrong
They told me 8 days before kicking me out because i wasn't 'catholic' enough....with a lot of bad gene comments.
I'm 4'11, porcelain skin, in a family of tall, medditeranian types.
I was the outcast, and I didn't know why.
They lied to me my entire life, when my father broke my finger for lying about cookies.
Take your pick.
My mom told me all the time '; That my birth mother love me so much that she gave me away.'; It taught me that if you truly loved someone that they would leave you. It makes it hard for me to bond to someone and when I do I always live in fear that they will leave me.
Jennifer
Adult adoptee
They made me feel guilty for wanting to find my birth family
They would say ';You know, WE'RE the ones who raised you'; or ';You know, WE'RE your parents';
And I know that, but can you blame someone for just wanting to know where they came from?
honestly, they didn't do anything wrong, per se. they were great parents. very open, very truthful.
the only thing was, back then, people didn't realize the damage adoption causes.
I hope all adoptive parents learn from this interesting question.
Although makes me wonder if an adoptee like RandyB says he has no mistakes to share why he gets thumbs down. What do those people know about him he doesn't. Hmmm.
Having two bio kids after they adopted my brother and me.
Adopted/bio families SUCK, imo.
And I believe adopted kids need more of their APs, not less. We instantly became second class citizens.
Specific to my adoption? I'm not aware of any. I'm quite happy with the way things have been and since I feel I'm well adjusted (others will no doubt disagree with that) I think they did an A1 job.
Well, i would say my dad never wanted to talk about my bio parents, he was worried we'd (my bro and me) would want to go and live with them.
They didn't believe adoption was damaging.
wow, i would think that adopted children would be even more grateful for their parents...seeing as to their parents CHOSE them and didnt just get the luck of the draw like when you have children biologically. this question sounds really immature and selfish
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